How to Stop Being Lonely and Make Friends in 2023 (For Gamers)

The Level 1 Gamer sits alone at home jealous of the cool popular guys. He wishes other people could see how good he was in Elden Ring or Fortnite. He secretly jacks off to girls he’s scared to look at in real life. His only friends are on Discord or his favorite streamer’s Friday night chat. He’s friends with other losers and people who don’t treat him well, and wishes he had better friends.

The Level 100 Gamer always has plans on the weekend. Girls ask HIM out, or he’s got a super loving girlfriend. He’s got amazing supportive friends who always ask him to do stuff. Everyone always talks about him at school or work. People smile at him wherever he goes. And he games cause he loves it, not cause he has to.

When I was in high school, I’d come home from school, grab a plate of Oreo cookies, and head downstairs to game in our dark basement until dinnertime. I told myself it was fun… and it was ngl. But I was always jealous of the other kids who had plans after school and and partied on the weekends. I was jealous of the guy who would kiss his girlfriend on the locker next to me. I even went to prom by myself… which obviously made me feel cool.

Senior-Year Prom

I went to prom by myself… cause I was too scared to ask someone out.

This is normal for so many guys, and no one talks about it. Guys are lonely, guys are down bad. And society doesn’t care. They call us “incels,” “neckbeards” or other stupid names. They label us “the next school shooter.” We’re not trying to be creepy or weird, but everyone always thinks we are. And then we turn to our games cause that’s the only place we feel amazing.

It wasn’t until college I decided enough was enough. I studied social skills, joined clubs and events. I embarrassed myself constantly, like one time when I went up to a group of girls and called them by the wrong names after they told me. But I kept learning. Living in the dorms and being around that many people constantly gave me the pushed me to get out of my shell.

By the end of college, I was an executive board member of my fraternity, a team leader of my Honors College, and always had social plans on weekends. And now at almost 30 years old, I’ve been a groomsman for multiple weddings (best man for 1), road-tripped across the US, hiked national parks, enjoyed music festivals, had great relationships and celebrated numerous birthdays and weddings with many people I’m fortunate to have in my life.

But I never forgot where I came from. This self-improvement journey inspired me to become a psychiatrist to help the boys like me; you who’s reading this. I specialize in the mental health of male gamers aged 18-40, and often see gamers and nerds struggling with loneliness, isolation, and addiction.

In this post, I’ll show you exactly why gamers feel lonely and show you how to fight it.

Reasons Why Gamers Feel Lonely

Playing Alone Too Much

I remember in my 2nd-3rd year of college, I lived with my parents about 25 minute from campus. And when I was home, I’d play Skyward Sword and Metroid Prime Trilogy on my Wii. But I started noticing something - when I’d have a really long gaming session, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING after. Like going to the party our fraternity was having that night. So I’d blow it off and go to sleep feeling fine. Until FOMO kicked in from all the pictures and stories the next day.

I could game anytime. But playing too much alone stopped me from enjoying the limited opportunities that I could only get in my 4 years of college. I felt empty after a long gaming session. The real world also never felt as amazing compared to the amazing virtual worlds I was in - so I’d never want to leave. Never forget that too much gaming is a drug: it spikes dopamine which feels good initially, but always has a crash after.

I’d Feel Empty After A Long Gaming Session

Never Forget Too Much Is A Drug

Comparing Ourselves to Other People

In high school, I loved playing Black Ops online after-school. I was a sniper and loved using the M1410 or the Barrett 50.cal. But I’d always get pissed off when it took me so long to get a good K/D or a 7 killstreak, when other guys using the FAMAS would just spray bullets around and get that easily. It made me want to just keep playing more to beat those guys. But I did the same comparisons in real-life as well, to the popular kids in high school, the jacked guys on the football team, to the guys with hot girlfriends. It never felt good.

As gamers we get jealous, and we hate to admit it. We’re used to comparing ourselves to others - that’s literally what a ladder board or ranking is. But the problem is it keeps us either locked playing the game or avoiding real-life by gaming. We don’t realize gaming rankings are meaningless IRL (unless you’re a pro). Or how much opportunity we’re wasting bettering ourselves by getting sucked into gaming.

We Can’t Help Comparing Ourselves To Everyone Else

Stigma Surrounding Gaming

When I gamed in high school, there’s a reason I’d play right from coming home until dinner time. I didn’t want my dad to see me gaming, and that’s when he would come home. Thankfully while he didn’t hate gaming, I always felt like he judged me for it. He didn’t want me to spend too much time on it (very reasonable). So this way, he wouldn’t have seen me game and he wouldn’t be thinking about limiting my time.

But one of my close friends who loves gaming told me that his dad hated when he played video games. They would argue all the time, saying it was a waste of time and destroying his potential. My friend told me he’d stormed out of the house many times after they argued about his gaming.

There’s still a lot of stigma about gaming, especially from family members. I get their concern - they don’t want to see us wasting our life away on gaming. Yet they don’t understand what gaming does for us. They don’t see the rush, the worlds, the stories we experience or the connection with friends. But the stigma they push constantly makes us feel crappy, isolated, like we’re wasting our lives. And then what do we do? We turn deeper to the one thing that comforts us - gaming. And get more isolated from the real world.

Gaming Addiction

I remember last period in middle school, the teacher would be saying stuff and I literally couldn’t focus on what she was talking about. I’d just gotten a Pokemon XD edition Gamecube, and all I wanted to do was go home and play. I literally daydreamed through the entire period, watching the clock, counting the minutes until the bell rang at 3:30. I’d get on the bus at 3:45, and be home by 4 pm.

I wouldn’t say I was addicted, but I spent a LOT of time thinking about gaming, when I should’ve been focused on other areas of my life. But I’ve had clients who game way late into a school / work night, skip school/work to game, or ignore their relationships with friends, family or their partner. Our performance starts slipping, our partners leave us, our friends/family stop hanging out with us. We stop enjoying gaming and so we have to game way more to get the same enjoyment.

Think all this would help loneliness?

Social Anxiety

I studied for my MCAT (long test we take to get into med school) in the summer after my sophomore year of college, That summer I didn’t talk to anyone outside of my parents house. I gamed for fun in my downtime. After I took the test, I went to a social BBQ event our Honors College was having. And I remember feeling so awkward when I’m there. I know these people, but I stumble over my words, I worry I say the wrong thing, and they’ll judge me. I felt exactly like I was just in high school again, even though I’d worked on my social skills for YEARS. I didn’t like that.

Anxiety is one of those things we constantly need exposure to fight against. Unfortunately cause most gamers are isolated or only get social interaction from their game, we get isolated from socializing. And when we’re in that situation, we get nervous, feel like we’re being judged, and constantly watch over our words and actions. We feel awkward around other people. We plan what we say and do in advance. It takes us bunch of energy just to be in a social situation. And then after a few bad experiences we avoid these situations altogether… and gaming becomes our escape.

How to Defeat Loneliness as a Gamer

Level Up Our Social Skills

I joined a fraternity cause I wanted that “college experience.” But I didn’t expect how different I’d feel from the other guys. I got along with some of the quiet nerdier guys, but a lot of the brothers were loud, boisterous, loved sports, chasing girls and dressed way different than me. I felt so different from these guys, and there were a bunch of them in our group. We’d have mixers with sororities doing fun stuff and I’d purposely miss a bunch saying I was busy (but really I was just nervous to be around a bunch of girls). I even thought about quitting at one time in my junior year cause I wasn’t totally into it.

Then in my senior year, I lived in our fraternity house cause my parents were leaving the state. And that’s when everything changed. People were over constantly whether for parties, or just hanging out. I was always around the other brothers living in the house. One time I woke up and there were a few sorority sisters working on their homecoming float in our garage - I had no clue they were coming.

And I loved it. I went to the gym or ate with my brothers all the time. I actually went on dates and had relations with girls. I organized gaming nights for Smash Bros or Mario Party - and the guys loved it! I began to care deeply about the fraternity cause of how it changed my life, and I was sad I only had 1 year left before graduating.

The point? Being in that environment levelled up my social skills like nothing else. I felt confident around girls and the guys who weren’t like me. I had so much exposure there was no way I wasn’t going to get comfortable.

And then in med school I became an officer for our class. Guess for that position? Social chair.

Remember, social ability is a SKILL. Just like we can level up our dexterity stats in Elden Ring or EV train our attack stats in Pokemon, we can level up social skills in real life through exposure and deliberate practice. We can put ourselves in social situations with the goal just to have fun - and we will.

For more social skills tips, watch my playlists “Communication Skills” and “Friendships” on Tiktok (works better on your phone). Here’s one of my favorite tips:

@adpsychgaming People like you more if you recognize their efforts often and with sincerity. Tyr knows this and uses it. #godofwar #therapy #mentalhealth ♬ snowfall - Øneheart & reidenshi

Combine Gaming with Real-Life Social Interaction

I used to love competitive Pokemon. I’d catch, breed, and EV train my Pokemon to build a competitive team, which took hours. One of my close friends was into it, and we’d hang out in a campus classroom doing the Battle Tower together. And one day we realized, “Hey this is fun. Why don’t we invite other people to this?” And then the unofficial UAB Pokemon club was formed.

The best part? I enjoyed gaming while being social at the same time. Think I felt lonely?

UAB Pokemon Club

How many Nintendo DS’s do you spy?

When I lived in the fraternity house, I was the only one there with a Wii U. We began having weekly Smash Bros nights with our brothers, and even hosted fraternity tournaments. Guys would come up to me all the time saying “I don’t really play Smash, but that was fun AF playing with everyone.” Those were some of the best times of my life.

In med school, my close friends would come over and we’d have horror game nights. We played Until Dawn (amazing game), Amnesia, Resident Evil 2, Outlast, and Man of Medan.

The point? We can use a hobby we love to connect with other people. It’s literally a win-win. Invite people over to your house or go to theirs. Organize gatherings centered around gaming. Go to meetups or gaming events. Find a way to include gaming into your social life.

Don't Be Ashamed of Being a Gamer

In college I remember talking to this girl in class. Normally I’d downplay my gaming interests. But that day I said “F*** it” and started talking about the Pokemon club my friend and I made playing Pokemon Black 2 / White 2. Turns out, she loved Pokemon, and joined us for our next club meeting!

Own your gaming completely. Video games are fucking awesome. We get to experience heartfelt stories like Last of Us, amazing worlds like Venice in Assassin’s Creed II, amazing gameplay like Elden Ring, and have amazing social experiences like Smash Bros or Fortnite. It’s their loss if they can’t see how great games are.

If we think it’s cool and talk about it with passion, other people will too.

With our parents and other haters, we can explain to them what gaming does for us. We understand it can be addicting, but we choose to play mindfully.

That’s why I stream games on Twitch. So I can connect with others who love my passion and help them level up their real lives at the same time.

Become Attractive

This will be controversial. But I stand by it.

I remember one time in college, I was talking with this girl for about a week, and I invited her to come with me to a party we were having. I remember thinking “tonight’s the night omg wow!!” At the party ,we talk at the beginning. But then as the evening goes on I notice she starts talking to one of my fraternity brothers. I see them getting more touchy-feely, his hand is on her waist. I don’t say anything but I feel myself getting upset. Somehow they come over to the group I was in. I see they’re holding hands. He tells us they’ll see us later, and I see him lead her to his upstairs bedroom.

I felt like I had dating way harder than other guys. It felt like dating was so easy for them and so hard for me. For years I’d thought I was screwed cause I was short and brown. I knew about social skills, I knew about being fit. Why wasn’t it working??

It wasn’t until I was 27 in the middle of the pandemic that it hit me. Wait a minute.. I can change how I look and dress. I can actually groom my face to look more hot. Instantly everything changed for me.

Sometime later, I remember going on a first date with a girl. We were sitting on a picnic blanket in the park, relaxing, eating snacks and just enjoying each other’s company. It was a summer evening, the sun felt warm, and there was a very tiny breeze in the air. We started talking about our types, and I asked what hers was.

She looks me up and down and says “that.” :)

People want to spend time with good-looking people. We can either complain about it, or we can understand it. So if loneliness is a problem, we become someone people want to be with.

Be Honest

Which guy would people rather hangout with?

Learn to Love Socializing

One time in my freshman year it was a holiday weekend and most of the people in dorms had left. My parents were out of town so I stayed over the dorms that weekend. Normally I would’ve just played video games. But I was talking with someone in our dorm lounge room, and he invites a few people he knew stayed. Then those people come and invite people, and we have like 15 people in that one room. Somehow we decide to play hide-and-seek across the ENTIRE dorm. It was chaos. But it was SO MUCH FUN. We’d hide in study rooms all across the dorm. When we were found, we’d help the seeker find the remaining hiders. There was no alcohol, no video games, yet that was some of the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.

Over the years I’ve been able to connect with some amazing people. I’ll never feel lonely again, cause I’ve developed the skill to connect with others, both guys and girls. And I love spending time and making memories with meaningful people.

Gaming’s great. But gaming should be a part of our lives, not our whole lives.

Conclusion

Feeling lonely as a gamer is common, but it doesn't have to be permanent. We can level up our social skills, combine gaming with real-life, embrace our love for gaming, become attractive, and learn to love socializing.

Imagine a life where we have plans every weekend cause people always hit us up. Where girls actually take an interest in being with us. Where our friends, girlfriends or parents love our gaming and want to share it with us. Where we never feel lonely again cause we always have people who care about us.

I’m a psychiatrist who’s been through this and now specialize in treating Young Men & Gamers with Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and Video Game Addiction. CLICK HERE to book your free consult call.

Check out our MEDIA page for more content like this.

Real life’s the video game.

So let’s level up.

Agam